Thursday, April 03, 2003

A Blast From The Future - 2013

I've been thinking a bit about this recently, what with the imminent birth of Dio Bach jnr. Here are some conversations I imagine myself having with the wee man on the eve of his ninth birthday. Whether or not he will just to listen to the ramblin' ol' fool will be a different matter...

1. Blimey, when I was your age we only had 3 TV channels and no one had even heard of Video recorders, let alone MiniDVD recorders. Unplug those retinal screens and read a book for a change why don't ya?

2. Son, it doesn't matter who makes your trainers or clothes, it's what's inside them that's important. If any one tells you different, take no notice.

3. Son, we have been stupid enough to sign up to America's war with Canada. Why you asks?

Well Bush-Junior jnr says its because they speak French, an we all know how the French said no to America's wars with Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Iran and the North Sea.

Read between the lines though and realise that the recent discovery of the great Montreal and Vancouver oil fields may have been a deciding matter.

Bush-Junior jnr says they have decided to take pre-emptive action should Canada ever consider using its weapons-of-mass-destruction. Just in case they ever did use those WOMDs, he just launched a barrage of Mini-Nuke cruise missiles at the main centres of the country - it will all be over before lunch.

Don't worry or be scared though son, the Llandudno and Aberystwyth oil fields are the best kept secrets in Wales - tell no one.

4. No Son, no holiday this year as we have nothing to get further than walking distance in - since all these oil wars no one has had any money to develop eco-friendly and renewable sources of energy, so we can afford to drive the car with petrol being so expensive now that the oil has all but run-out.

5. Blimey - my first PC had 8 colours and 48k of memory. The internet was where you kicked a football and cerebral hard drives where something completely different.

6. Eat your cabbage and fish salad - I don't care how many of your friends eat that chemical filled MacBurger King sludge - we love you too much to put that poison in your system. You will thank us when you are older. Now tuck in - that 3-headed trout is going cold.

7. No son, being seventeen stone at the age of 9 is not normal - I don't care how many of your classmates are, we will continue to walk to school and run about at every possible opportunity. That's why I won't buy you a Sony Walk-Arm-Chair and why we have to go to Wee Skinny Lad to buy your clothes.

8. That's right, those people with the big throbbing red ears twice the size of their heads are the ones who bought into that whole mobile phone craze, before they were banned. It's rude to stare.

9. Son - drugs are fun (it would be hypocritical of me to say otherwise) - but - and it's a very big but - there is a darkside.

10. No, you can't go to the Limp Bizkit / Linkin Park / Marylin Manson reunion gig. They were shit then and they still are - there is nothing alternative about booking the whole of Reading for an open air gig with mile high video screens and corporate T-shirt stalls. Throw that guitar manual away and just bang those strings.

Phew - I enjoyed that - and I didn't even brush on any important things like morals and puberty... Thank goodness - I will save that till the day.

Posted by Dio Bach at 09:51

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